What does it mean to take care of ourselves? What is the difference of doing something I think I need to do and doing something that is my morning ritual? There are many directions to be pulled in the city—I am pulled in many directions on the city. To be with friends, to go to museums, to make art. I see from my own behavior that I am still largely social-centric. I make my decisions on being with people that I love. But who is Noah? What is Noah?
As Michelle says “Noah is finding out who Noah is right now.”
It’s nice to hear that. Soothing to know I have a friend who understands the process I am in and does not get frustrated with me about it—passively watching me I think would be relatively entertaining—running here, running there. Doing this and that and shooting for the moon. It’s hilarious. All while balancing these family dramas that I have given meaning to but otherwise without my attention would not exist. Why do I feel the need to see my father? For resolution? Of what? No, I want to see him just to see him. I want to witness him.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Walking with the Beloved
After Trebbe's Endless Mountains Quest, I ask myself, what does it feel like to walk into New York the way I would want to walk into the Beloved's arms? The city is repulsive after being in the marshland and blueberry filled meadows of Pennsylvania.
But don't run away from this city, this place. Be here the way I was in the woods. Feel it. Stop resisting it. Feel it. Head a total mess-- hot. Armpits suffocated, breathing shallow, tired behind the eyes- a cloud, my eyes try to push through-- my heart tries to push through. I am here-- these streets, this city, all the sound and sex of it. I want to devour everything , to own everything, to to chew on the air i pull through my nostrils like a cat or a bull, ready to charge and pounce on something smaller than it. Is this city so much larger than me? It is only buildings and streets and bill boards overwhelming-- All the people slanted this way and that, sitting and sipping and shouting and frowning seem so big mixed in together with so many sounds of sirens. But take them one by one. Sift them each from the city arcing and cawing around them, and they are just me, moving, looking through wonder and anxiety-- what do these streets these hundreds of streaking faces have in store for me? Spin them up with a smile, twirl them around with a shit eating grin-- look in wonder at the bubbling streets- they all become children again, that coffee shop is the stream they dangle their bare feet in, hoping for someone to play. And the games are all in busy hearts, waiting waiting waiting, and the streets are waiting, the great planes are waiting for your face, the great streets are waiting for your Fred Astaire roulette, their horns solitary and full of loneliness wait for your ears and the clitter clattering sky is waiting swallowing you up--its the city, and its going to pull something out of you or you're going to pull something out of it and it must be this way-- you must destroy each other, if you hold on to who you were, it can only eat away at you, but if you let go, let every smile fly without the necessity of commerce, let your heart out the door to all those passing strangers, paint the walls with your most startling desires, let this churning consume you and a new spirit raises itself out of the waddle not to be seen or heard but to sing out, to call out across the Hudson to places lost in America-- I am. Let me be a part of this great myth!
But don't run away from this city, this place. Be here the way I was in the woods. Feel it. Stop resisting it. Feel it. Head a total mess-- hot. Armpits suffocated, breathing shallow, tired behind the eyes- a cloud, my eyes try to push through-- my heart tries to push through. I am here-- these streets, this city, all the sound and sex of it. I want to devour everything , to own everything, to to chew on the air i pull through my nostrils like a cat or a bull, ready to charge and pounce on something smaller than it. Is this city so much larger than me? It is only buildings and streets and bill boards overwhelming-- All the people slanted this way and that, sitting and sipping and shouting and frowning seem so big mixed in together with so many sounds of sirens. But take them one by one. Sift them each from the city arcing and cawing around them, and they are just me, moving, looking through wonder and anxiety-- what do these streets these hundreds of streaking faces have in store for me? Spin them up with a smile, twirl them around with a shit eating grin-- look in wonder at the bubbling streets- they all become children again, that coffee shop is the stream they dangle their bare feet in, hoping for someone to play. And the games are all in busy hearts, waiting waiting waiting, and the streets are waiting, the great planes are waiting for your face, the great streets are waiting for your Fred Astaire roulette, their horns solitary and full of loneliness wait for your ears and the clitter clattering sky is waiting swallowing you up--its the city, and its going to pull something out of you or you're going to pull something out of it and it must be this way-- you must destroy each other, if you hold on to who you were, it can only eat away at you, but if you let go, let every smile fly without the necessity of commerce, let your heart out the door to all those passing strangers, paint the walls with your most startling desires, let this churning consume you and a new spirit raises itself out of the waddle not to be seen or heard but to sing out, to call out across the Hudson to places lost in America-- I am. Let me be a part of this great myth!
Monday, August 18, 2008
OUR EYES MET, or Alluring Ourselves In, Hook, Line and Sinker, with Trebbe Johnson
Luscious dripping blueberries. Thick fluffy baked bread. Warm tea, chilly afternoon. Trebbe Johnson knows how to make the small pleasures in life a big part of her own. So much so that her voice itself almost sounds like caramel dripping off the spoon of her words. "Go take a walk around, and pay attention to what allures you." Allure. Allures. Allurement.
What happens when we follow what allures us? What happens when we dive right in to what calls us forth, in, or out of ourselves, to passionately follow the passion of ourselves daringly wherever it may lead? We are walking on dangerous ground here. We just might fall in love; not with something, someone, but with love. We might just fall in love with love. I think if Trebbe was a superhero, her superpower is to enchant people into being inspired by life. To clear the ground so we can find a way back into falling in love with something. To connect her back to Dave Talamo; to find our way back into the wondering again. To rediscover our wonder!
What happens when we follow what allures us? What happens when we dive right in to what calls us forth, in, or out of ourselves, to passionately follow the passion of ourselves daringly wherever it may lead? We are walking on dangerous ground here. We just might fall in love; not with something, someone, but with love. We might just fall in love with love. I think if Trebbe was a superhero, her superpower is to enchant people into being inspired by life. To clear the ground so we can find a way back into falling in love with something. To connect her back to Dave Talamo; to find our way back into the wondering again. To rediscover our wonder!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)